Weezer - Make Believe

Most people were turned off by Make Believe. Most of this has to do with the fact that "Beverly Hills" was the lead single of the album and it apparently got way overplayed on the radio. It baffles me that people haven't figured out that the radio is always disappointing. It will ruin all your favorite songs and overplay the ones you hate. Now that there have been iPods for over 10 years, why is there a single person on earth who still listens to the radio? Be your own program director. Listen to the things that make you happy. Don't cede control to anyone else.

Anyway, Make Believe is a perfect Weezer album as far as I'm concerned. Every song is a finely-crafted rock gem. I love the fact that they added keyboards on this album. It really does something awesome to their sound. I'm just amazed they didn't figure that out after they recorded "I Just Threw Out the Love of My Dreams," which was one of the Pinkerton b-sides. Oh, and regardless of what anyone says about "Beverly Hills," the talk-box solo is awesome. I've seen Rivers do the talk-box solo live, and it's the greatest thing since Frampton. I know that critics and fans weren't too thrilled about Make Believe, but I don't care. This is as good an album as Weezer has ever made.

Weezer - Maladroit

And this is where a lot of people jumped off the Weezer bandwagon. Maladroit was an interesting collaborative experiment if nothing else. Unbeknownst to their label, the band went into the studio mere months after The Green Album came out. They started cutting demos on a daily basis and posting the results on the Weezer home page. Fans could download the demos for free and give feedback to the band as to which demos should be fleshed out and put on the album. I was a part of this process and I still have all the demos I downloaded back in the day. There were more than a few good songs that didn't make this cut for this album ("Don't Pick on Me," "High Up Above," "We Go Together," and a few others). Fans who were following the process felt too much of a sense of entitlement and actually demanded that Weezer owed them fully-realized version of their favorite demos (the Weezer web boards got really snippy in those days, so I left them never to return). Fans who hadn't been following the demos were shocked by the changes in Weezer's overall sound on this album. A lot of people ended up having a bad experience with it and it tends to show up in used record stores more often than it deserves.

Maladroit brings a whole lot of different things to the table. This is where Weezer started playing with textures and song structures they had never touched before. Rivers let his inner metal fan out, and really went for shredtastic solos that sound completely different from The Green Album's simple riffs. Oddities like "Burndt Jamb" and "Death and Destruction" made the cut, which baffled some of the Weezer faithful. Over the years I have come to enjoy Maladroit in spite of its somewhat disjointed presentation. There are a lot of great songs on this album and it certainly deserves more respect than it has gotten thus far.

Weezer - s/t (aka The Green Album)

I began to realize with Weezer's Green Album that they had a habit of releasing albums at crucial points in my life. The Blue Album unlocked my brain to all the possibilities of music, so it would have been timely whenever it arrived. It just happened to come when I was learning to not be a social retard anymore. Pinkerton came in my pivotal senior year of high school and really helped guide some of the big decisions I made at the time. The Green Album came right after I got home from my mission and was having a hard time adjusting back to civilian life. Maladroit came out when I moved from a small town to the big city, and helped calm my nerves in a turbulent and trying time of my life. Make Believe came out right as I was graduating from college and was suffering a quarter-life crisis (all my friends were going through the same thing as well. It was weird). The Red Album came out as I was getting married. Raditude came out right after we found out that my wife was pregnant with our first child. Hurley came out when my wife and I both lost our jobs. We were living on savings at the time, couldn't get a single job interview between us, and nearly had to move in with my parents. So yeah, Weezer has always been there for me. As if I didn't have enough of an irrational reason to love this band.

Anyway, The Green Album came out after years of Weezer inactivity where rumors swirled about the band breaking up. In stark contrast to Pinkerton, Rivers set out to make a completely emotionally detached album. None of the songs have anything to do with anything that he has ever experienced in his life. If The Green Album accomplished anything for Rivers, it taught him that he didn't have to go through a personal hell in order to write great songs.

The Green Albums always flies by in a complete blur. The songs tend to be short, and they're all pretty simple. Every guitar solo on this album is a restatement of the verse. It's a very simple formula, but it's shockingly effective. This album was exactly what I needed once upon a time, so I'll never stop loving it.

Weezer - Pinkerton

Pinkerton was the first album I bought the day it came out. The drugstore in my small town was the only place for 30 miles that sold CD's. They generally stocked country and a few select rock titles, but you could special order anything from them, provided you paid cash up front.

Back in those days when the internet was young, there were things called web-rings. They were sets of related sites which were often fan sites of one thing or another. Weezer had one of the best web-rings on the net called Weezer Rebel Alliance. I scoured all Weezer related sites for any and all info on the band. I knew Pinkerton was coming out several months in advance, which was quite a novelty at the time. When the issues with Pinkerton Security were settled and the official release date was set, I went down to the drugstore and pre-ordered my copy. Then I waited for three months (you kids these days with your instant downloading of whatever you want *shakes fist*).

When the blessed day arrived, I was giddy with excitement. I knew the drugstore got their CD shipments in around 1:00, so I decided to do something I had never done up to that point: ditch class (I told you I was a nerd). I walked right out the front gate of the school and was greeted by the principal as I left. Because I was such a straight arrow, he just asked me how my day was going and watched me walk right off campus, assuming I was on school business. I walked the mile down to the drug store, picked up my copy of Pinkerton, and made it back to school in time for 7th hour (Like I said: a nerd). Before I took the album home, I opened up the back cover of the case and blacked out the words "of sex" in the song "Tired of Sex." I didn't want to risk my parents outlawing Pinkerton the way they did with Nevermind.

Three friends of mine came home with me from school because I had converted them to the joys of The Blue Album and they wanted to hear what else Weezer had in store. After the first three songs, one of my friends just couldn't take it. "This isn't very good," he said. My two other friends nodded and grunted in agreement. I turned it off and waited until they were gone before listening to the album in its entirety. Because I was all over the Weezer Rebel Alliance, I knew a lot about Pinkerton before I heard it. I knew the track listing, I knew it was supposed to be a much more intensely personal album (written during a painful period in which Rivers was at Harvard and undergoing a painful procedure to lengthen one of his legs which was shorter than the other), and I knew it was going to be more raw and gritty. I was ready for Pinkerton, but most of the rest of the world was not.

I was disappointed to find that Rolling Stone, a publication I actually cared about at the time, ranked Pinkerton as one of the worst albums of 1996. Now they pretend that they've been on Pinkerton all along, but I know the truth. A lot of people didn't like Pinkerton at first. It found its way into the bargain bins and used record stores pretty quickly. I saw Weezer on the tour supporting Pinkerton (December 21st, 1996. Electric Ballroom. Tempe, Arizona. It was a defining moment in my life) which turned out to be lucky for me. Rivers was let down by the poor reception of Pinkerton and because it's such an intensely personal album, they wouldn't play a single song from it in concert for years. Fast forward a bit and the emo movement discovered Pinkerton in the bargain bins and it somehow became an avowed classic, and not just inside the emo movement itself. It took the world almost a decade to figure out how good this album was. It was way ahead of its time in oh so many ways.

Even though I knew more about Pinkerton than any non-Weezer web geek, it still took a few spins to really sink in for me. I was a bit shaken by my friends' cold reception to the album, but I eventually found that I loved it and no bad press or negative reactions from friends could shake that. This is one of the all-time great albums of the last 20 years, and I'm proud to say that I was onto it early.

Weezer - s/t (aka The Blue Album)

This is where the little objectivity I have flies right out the window. Weezer has been my favorite band since 1994 for reasons I will explain in this review, and I have therefore been a Weezer apologist since 1994. I can't write rationally about this band, so be forewarned.

In 1994 I was in my sophomore year of high school. I had just hit my stride in the drama club and speech and debate team (did I mention that I'm a nerd? Yeah, all you fakers with the non-prescription glasses can just step aside) so things were looking up. Until I was introduced to Weezer, I only listened to things my friends and family listened to (From my family: Beach Boys, Neil Diamond, Lionel Richie, Air Supply, Herb Alpert, and the Flashdance soundtrack. From my friends: Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Depeche Mode, and New Order). I did have a short dalliance with Nirvana back in 1992, but my parents outlawed and smashed my copy of Nevermind, so it wasn't part of my repertoire when I hit high school. Anyway, until the fall of 1994, I didn't have my own taste in music. Weezer changed everything.

My friend Richard (who was also my duo interp partner on the speech and debate team) put "Undone (The Sweater Song)" on a mix tape for me, and it got so stuck in my head in so short a time, I vowed to own the album. I picked up Weezer as soon as funds would allow. This album was an absolutely transformative experience. Just look at the guys on the cover. They're a bunch of nerds in thrift store clothes. Until that point I was ashamed that most of my clothes came from thrift stores and yard sales. Until I heard this album, I had no idea that nerds were allowed to rock, let alone rock about playing D&D in the garage. This was a massive paradigm shift. From the moment I heard this album, new musical vistas were opened up to me. About 95% of my current record collection would be unapproachable for me if Weezer hadn't unlocked the doors of my mind. I don't know if any other band could have done for me what Weezer did. They invented and defined my sense of musical style. All the good things that have come since can be attributed to this album.

Because this album has meant so much to me over the years, I count it as the single greatest album ever made. I know there are those that don't agree with me, but they don't have the personal connection to this album that I do. I know how it goes. I am unable to emotionally connect to anything the Foo Fighters have ever done. There are things that click for some people and don't click for others. That being said, The Blue Album is the greatest accomplishment of mankind in the modern era. Is that overstating it a bit? No. No it's not.

Wayne - Music on Plastic

I think I picked this album up in an end of semester sale at Hoodlum's because I have absolutely no idea who Wayne is. I think I got a price break for picking up one more CD, so I just grabbed whatever looked interesting, and this was it.

For an album that I bought based solely on the cover art and packaging, Music on Plastic is pretty good. There are 10 pretty good songs on this disc and one song with real hit potential in "Whisper." I guess you can't hope for much more on such a speculative purchase.

Various Artists - Warped Tour 2003 Compilation

I started going to the Warped Tour in 1998, but 2003 was the last one I'll ever attend. I just got too old to mosh all day. That and I don't like emo or its retarded cousin: screamo. When the winds of change rolled into the Warped Tour, I rolled out.

The sad thing is that ever year from 2001-2003 I told my friends, "Next year when the Warped Tour comes to town, I'm not doing it." By the time the next year rolled around, I had forgotten what it was like to be brutalized by loud music in the 100+ degree Arizona heat for a solid 9 hours. It always started out so fun and then turned into something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

Anyway, this compilation is more a memorial of my last Warped Tour than an album I actually listen to and enjoy. There are some good songs on here, some not-so-good ones, and a couple screamo songs. It's about all you can expect from a punk compilation made after 2001.

Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman & Robin (1997)
Director: Joel Schumacher
Starring: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnel, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone

My eyes! My eyes! I actually looked directly at the screen at one point! The goggles do nothing!

Batman Forever (1995)

Batman Forever (1995)

Director: Joel Schumacher

Starring: Val Kilmer, Chris O'Donnell, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, and Nicole Kidman

Batman Forever brings a few changes to the Tim Burton Batman franchise. Burton handed over the directing duties of this movie to Joel Schumacher. Michael Keaton opted not to be Batman in this one because he didn't like where the series was headed (smart man) and he wanted to pursue other roles (I'll let you decide whether or not Multiplicity  was better than Batman Forever though I will say this: It's a closer call than you'd think).

Val Kilmer suffers from the same problem Michael Keaton did: he makes a good Batman and an unconvincing Bruce Wayne. Whereas Michael Keaton seemed a little too detached as Bruce Wayne, Val Kilmer seems actually bored by the Bruce Wayne half of the role. I guess I just wish that either of them was a little more like Kevin Conroy from Batman: The Animated Series.

While this movie seemed super hip in 1995, it has become very dated as its stars have waned considerably since the mid-90's. For a short time in the 90's, Val Kilmer and Brad Pitt were pretty much equals. Now Val Kilmer is overweight TMZ fodder, which seems really sad. Chris O'Donnel was slated to be the next big thing, but that never really panned out. He went from a legit movie star to a guy who does short story arcs on TV. Jim Carrey was the funniest man in the world in 1995. In 1994 he starred in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber (I was shocked to find out that all those movies came out in a single calendar year. I don't know if we'll ever see anything like Jim Carrey circa 1994 ever again). Since he took the world by storm in the mid-90's, his star has faded considerably. He's been in a couple decent movies and a whole bunch of duds. His turn as a serious actor didn't work out the way he wanted (probably partially due to the fact that we watched him talk with his butt a mere half-decade before he started trotting out serious films). I honestly don't know what happened to Nicole Kidman. Moulin Rouge made her one of my favorite actresses, but I stopped caring about her for some reason. Tommy Lee Jones is probably the only actor in this movie who is actually probably better now than he was then. Even so, his portrayal of Two-Face is one of the most embarrassing things I have ever seen. He set the bar really low for himself in this one, so everything he's done since benefits in comparison.

Before I tell you that Batman Forever wasn't a very good movie, let me pick a bone with the new Batmobile. While the Michael Keaton Batmobile was the greatest we had ever seen (the record still stands if you ask me. Here are the rankings of all the Batmobiles from the movies in case you cared: 1) Michael Keaton's 2) Adam West's 3) Christian Bale's (begrudgingly) 4) Val Kilmer's 5) George Clooney's) the Val Kilmer Batmobile is an example of why you should leave well enough alone. It's basically the Michael Keaton Batmobile with thinner wheel wells, and a bunch of clear plastic with blue lights underneath for no good reason. It's as if someone pimped Batman's ride, which is a ride that doesn't need any sort of pimping whatsoever. It also feature a large batwing-shaped fin on the back which wobbles noticeably any time the car hits a bump. It just looks bad. They shoulda left things alone, but they just had to tinker.

Anyway, this movie is generally a turd. The performances, though tuned to whatever weird phase we were all going through in 1995, seem dated and embarrassing now. My wife, who had never seen this movie before, actually asked if it was a comedy because it looked like a comedy to her. I laughed at this movie, but not for the reasons its creators intended. It falls into the kitschy/bad department and should be viewed only by fans of MST3K.

Batman Returns (1992)

Batman Returns (1992) 

Director: Tim Burton 

Starring: Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny Devito, Christopher Walken

If a little Michael Keaton Batman is good, more should be even better, right? I dunno. Kinda. Maybe. Sort of. Meh.

There are a lot of things to like about this movie. It's the same great Batman (same somewhat unconvincing Bruce Wayne as well) same Batmobile, same Alfred, etc. The only difference is that this time, Batman faces a couple of villains instead of just one. Michelle Pfeiffer's performance as Catwoman put her right up there with Julie Newmar and Lee Meriwether. Danny Devito also makes a terrifying and disgusting Penguin, which I guess makes it a good performance.

I like so many things about this movie, and yet there are a couple things that really bother me. 1) Why does Michelle Pfeiffer become Catwoman? I didn't understand it when I first saw this movie, and I sort of figured I'd understand when I got older. I still don't get it. She falls several stories, receives a massive blow to the noggin, and this somehow teaches her martial arts, whipcracking, and how to turn a small jacket into a full bodysuit?! I like Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. She looks good, and she does great things with the role. Her origin story just isn't very convincing. I'm able to suspend disbelief for a lot of things, but a bump on the head does not a Catwoman make. 2) Since when would the Penguin make a decent mayoral candidate? The people of Gotham were terrified when reports of a penguin man started showing up in the papers. They were disgusted by him when he first showed his face on the surface. Even though there was a movement to humanize him, I still don't think anyone would vote for him. People didn't want to elect Richard Nixon because he looked like a weasel with flop sweat. He didn't win until he ran against the equally unattractive Hubert Humphrey. Because the Penguin looks like a freak, talks like a villain, and generally seems uncomfortable around regular people, why would anyone vote for him? His mayoral campaign is a major part of the movie, and yet it makes absolutely no sense to me.

So yeah, those two things got into my craw (whatever that is) and didn't come out. I wanted to love this move every bit as much as the first Tim Burton Batman movie, but I didn't. There's still a lot of good in it, and if you're able to make all the leaps of faith that I wasn't able to make, you'll probably enjoy it more than I did, which is not to say I didn't enjoy it. I just wanted to enjoy it more.

Batman (1989)

Batman (1989) Director: Tim Burton Starring: Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger

After seeing The Dark Knight Rises for my birfday, I felt compelled to go back and watch earlier Batman movies to get a sense for where the franchise has been and how far it has come. I remember the first few Tim Burton Batman movies were a really big deal when they came out. Everybody was talking about Batman, and everybody but me got Batman spin-art shirts at the county fair (though I admit I really wanted one). When your logo is the #1 requested spin-art motif at the Apache County fair in 1989, you know you've hit the big time.

Now that the dust has had a few decades to settle, it seems odd that Michael Keaton was ever Batman. I like Michael Keaton, it's just that he was Johnny Dangerously and Beetlejuice before he ever donned the cape and cowl. Sure, he's a good looking guy with solid acting chops, but he still seems an odd choice. I thought I would be bothered by Michael Keaton when I revisited Batman, but I was surprised to find that I really really like him. The unfortunate thing is that although he's a great Dark Knight, he isn't that great of a Bruce Wayne. I don't know what it is, but he just doesn't pull off the normal half of the role. His Bruce Wayne is a little too deadpan. Aside from that, I have to applaud Tim Burton's choice.

The other thing I was surprised to find that I still loved was the Batmobile. I'm probably the only guy on the planet who wasn't impressed by the new Batmobile in the Christian Bale Batman movies. It's too technological and not Batman enough. Michael Keaton's Batmobile is an all-time great. I actually saw a guy driving a replica of it in downtown Phoenix in 2010. I just started following him because even after a couple decades, it was still one of the coolest cars I had ever seen.

One other thing I loved more than I thought: Jack Nicholson as The Joker. We've all come to consider Heath Ledger to be the official greatest Joker ever, partially because he died and we all feel bad/guilty about it somehow. I'm not saying that Heath Ledger wasn't great. He was amazing, terrifying, and spectacular. Even so, Jack Nicholson was a more than capable Joker. The scene where he calls for the mirror after his reconstructive surgery still gives me chills. As with everything he does, Nicholson goes over the top at points, but he delivers an overall very effective villainous portrayal of The Joker.

All in all I was surprised by how much I loved this movie even after all these years. Sure, I can see the seams in it now. The CGI stands out in a bad way because the technology wasn't that great in 1989. Parts of the movie come off as cheesy, but it's still a great Batman flick. The plot is still captivating, the acting has held up remarkably well, and it just looks and feels like Batman. Of course the Christian Bale Batman movies are darker, edgier, have better effects, and stay pretty serious most of the time (a big plus for me), but don't sleep on the first Tim Burton Batman. I think you'll find it's still fairly potent.

First 10 - Booster Gold

I already knew I loved Booster Gold before I ever laid eyes on this first issue. He and Blue Beetle featured heavily in 52, a series I really loved. The best thing about Booster Gold is that his struggle isn't necessarily against villains, though they do factor in. His greatest struggle is with himself. He struggles to overcome his past (which is in our future) and often finds himself needing to get out of his own big, dumb way. He means well, but he isn't entirely innocent.

Booster Gold thief from the future whose powers come from the technology he stole. He traveled back to our time so he could join up with the Justice League and make a name for himself. He's a money-grubbing grandstanding arrogant jerk, but the comics are so well-written you can't help but cheer for the guy. He's basically Captain Amazing from Mystery Men.

I knew I would enjoy the first 10 issues of Booster Gold, but I didn't know I would love them as much as I did. I found myself absolutely absorbed in the story, and I didn't want to put the series down after a mere 10 issues. Later issues in the series call Booster "The Greatest Hero the World Has Never Known." That statement pretty much sums up everything you need to know about Booster Gold. If you're looking for a new series to read, this is a very interesting and engaging one. Here's how it impacts the First 10 standings:

1. Batman
2. Amazing Spider-Man
3. Fantastic Four
4. Booster Gold
5. The Punisher
6. Golden Age Green Lantern
7. The Avengers
8. Golden Age Blue Beetle
9. Aquaman

I know #4 doesn't seem too high for a series I really loved, but look at the iconic series Booster Gold is up against. Anyway, I don't know when I'll do another First 10. I need to get back to my X-Men reading. Those issues are really piling up.

First 10 - Golden Age Blue Beetle

The Blue Beetle first appeared in the multi-hero comic Mystery Men. Titles like these have always been used to trot out new heroes, and many of the heroes you know and love come from such titles. In the first issue of Mystery Men, The Blue Beetle was a nobody, and by the end of the series he was headlining the title (you can see in the issue on the left he was billed below The Green Mask and Rex Dexter of Mars).

In the first issue of Mystery Men, there was no real reason to give The Blue Beetle any special billing. He was a cop who would change into civvies and put on a mask to solve crimes. From the beginning I thought it ridiculous that Dan Garret would change into his hero duds to do things that were basically his job to do as a cop. They never really answer that point, but the series does get better than it was when it started.

By the second issue, Dan Garret was donning an early incarnation of the classic Blue Beetle garb. There is no reason given for the change, but it's a welcome one because before that point he was a less-flashy Green Mask who did Batman's job in a less exciting way. Once he gets a better costume, The Blue Beetle gets better as a character. He does have a cheesy ongoing banter with his cop partner, Mannigin, but that is usually relegated to the final frame of the comic. All in all, it's a pretty good Golden Age comic, but far from my favorite. I wasn't going to separate Golden Age Blue Beetle from the modern Blue Beetle, but it looks like I'm going to have to, just because I already know I love the modern Blue Beetle. Here's where it falls in the First 10 standings:

1. Batman
2. Amazing Spider-Man
3. Fantastic Four
4. The Punisher
5. Golden Age Green Lantern
6. The Avengers
7. Golden Age Blue Beetle
8. Aquaman

First 10 - Batman

Ever since I started this First 10 thing, I have been wanting to read Golden Age Batman comics. Although I would classify myself as more of a Marvel than a DC fan, I would still say that Batman is probably my all-time favorite superhero. He's iconic, he's edgy, and best of all: if I hit the gym a little more often, I could be Batman. The self-made man aspect of Batman is probably his most compelling feature. While Superman was handed everything at an early age, Batman had to earn it and has to keep earning it every time he puts on the cape and cowl.

The first 10 issues of Detective Comics which feature The Batman (starting with issue no. 27) were the most engaging, exciting, and least dated Golden Age comics I have read thus far. You don't get the Batman origin story until issue #33, but the four issues before that now-legendary issue provide plenty of thrills. I was actually fairly familiar with these stories because my parents gave me Tales of the Dark Knight as a kid and I read it cover to cover several times despite not picking up an actual comic book for another 25 years.

The only drawback in the first 10 issues of Batman is that he meets a lot of generic no-name criminals. He doesn't even meet his first big nemesis until the first issue of Batman, which was the last of the 10 issues I read. In that issue we are introduced to Robin, who just appears as if he had been there the entire time even though he hadn't (It seems like they weren't as married to continuity in the Golden Age. I don't know if they could've even imagined that people would still be reading and dissecting their work 70 years later). Batman #1 is also the first appearance of The Joker, who has a fascination with jewels that doesn't really seem to carry over into further Batman lore. The strength of any superhero lies in his villains, and Batman eventually assembles the greatest cadre of villains anywhere in the world of comic books. By the time I finished the first 10 Batman comics, I could see that Bob Kane was really hitting his stride. He had just developed an all-time great villain in The Joker, and Batman was really turning into the superhero we all know and love. All the pieces were there, and it was only 1940.

The one thing that really struck me in reading these comics was that Batman was an edgy hero even in his early days. He killed several baddies in the first 10 issues, even graphically hanging a couple of them. In the first couple issues, they were a little queasy about tossing bad guys off roofs because they never really showed them flying off. By the last few issues, The Batman is killing guys right and left. This is as dark as Golden Age comics can possibly get, and I love it. I've been a lifelong Batman fan, so the current First 10 standings should come as no surprise:

1. Batman
2. Amazing Spider-Man
3. Fantastic Four
4. The Punisher
5. Golden Age Green Lantern
6. The Avengers
7. Aquaman

Spider-Man 3

I had never seen Spider-Man 3 before today. The main reason I waited this long is because every review of this movie- both word of mouth and written by professionals- made it sound like a cross between Gigli and Ishtar (Ishtar isn't even that bad of a movie. It just has a certain reputation) in terms of quality. I have always noticed that coming into a movie with low expectations always makes it easier to enjoy. If you are one of the many many people who absolutely hated this movie, just know that I was expecting to hate this movie too.

I actually watched this movie in two sittings. Apple TV makes it all-to-easy to stop halfway through a movie and pick it up later. Maybe I watched this movie in two different moods, but I enjoyed the first half a lot more than the second half. By the time I began to wrap my mind around everything they were trying to do in this movie, I realized it bit off way more than it could chew. Many of the intertwined subplots could easily be given their own movie. Spider-Man facing up to the son of the Green Goblin (who happens to be his best friend who also has feelings for Mary Jane) and answering for what happened in the first movie could be a fine movie unto itself. Sandman is definitely a movie unto itself. In the first half of the movie, you get the feeling that the other plots won't play into things at all. I would've been perfectly happy with a Sandman movie.The Venom subplot could also make an excellent movie, but not the way they did it here. Anyway, with all the Mary Jane stuff and the multiple villains as well as Peter's need to succeed in his career, there was just too much story for one movie to tell. This movie is Frank Costanza's over-seasoned meat that sent sixteen of his own men to the latrine.

Before I really launch into the things this movie did wrong, let me first mention a few things it did right. They cast another perfect villain in Sandman. Thomas Haden Church looked almost exactly like the comic book Sandman, and he acted the crap out of that role (of course a lot of it was CGI, but the parts that were clearly him were very well acted). James Franco wasn't even as bad as he was in the first two movies, so that's a plus. Oh, and let's not forget that Bruce Campbell always delivers a solid cameo. I think Spider-Man 3 gives him his best role in the trilogy. It actually seems like he knows French, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Now here's where I lay into it. Topher Grace is not made for the big screen. He wasn't even the best actor on That 70's Show, and he really doesn't make a good Venom. Venom is a fan favorite, so that's not really a role you want to miscast. Topher Grace played it weakly. He wasn't menacing, and he didn't even seem very evil. I feel I should mention that Topher Grace is my wife's celebrity crush (mine, as always, are Kari Byron and Barbara Feldon). She loves the guy and she didn't even like him as Venom. It was a bad choice, but it wasn't the only bad choice in the movie.

Tobey Maguire with an emover (emo+combover=emover) is a very bad choice. People hate emo. The non-emo public sees emo as a joke. You can't give him a dumb haircut and expect us to just think, "Oh, that makes sense. If he was getting darker and more violent he would absolutely wear his hair like an idiot." Oh, and I didn't see the movie in the theater so I don't know if the theatrical release featured "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees or not. The scene in which Peter Parker is clearly doing a Tony Manero parody would be uncomfortable enough with the right music, but with the wrong music it's an abomination. I hope the theatrical release featured "Stayin' Alive" because the generic porn music on the DVD version just makes the scene uncomfortable to sit through.

I also couldn't stand the fact that they went out of their way to say, "Hey! Peter Parker is becoming a bad guy! Look at the bad things he does!" They honestly spent a half hour more time on that point alone than the audience needed. If they had trusted the audience to understand this simple plot point, they could have spent way more time developing the many (too many) other subplots and the movie wouldn't have been as bad as it was.

Now here's the thing: I was really enjoying Spider-Man 3 right up until he started dancing in the street and acting like a jerk. When all that ridiculousness was happening, I actually turned to my wife and said, "Oh. Now I know why people hate this movie." It really falls to crap in the end despite having a decent amount of promise. If you aren't expecting too much, you'll find some things to really enjoy in this movie. If you expect it to be anywhere near as good as the first two Spider-Man movies, you'll be sorely disappointed. Yup. Take that advice. It's only been 5 years since this movie came out, so this is super timely. (I literally realized as I was writing that conclusion that I might be the only person on the planet who hadn't seen and been disappointed by Spider-Man 3 yet. Bad job by me).