Bad Dudes (NES Game)

Do you remember where you were the first time you read the words, "The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue The President?" I was at my neighbor's house and we were all set for some Double Dragon style martial arts mayhem. The stage was set and we were ready to rock and/or roll. Unfortunately for us, Bad Dudes didn't meet up to our expectations.

Everything about the way Bad Dudes starts makes you think it's going to absolutely rock.

The first thing you see (after the Data East logo) are two muscle-bound dudes in black tank tops (one of the guys bears an uncanny resemblance to Sly Stallone). Then you are allowed to choose one of two players: Blade and Striker. How 80s awesome are those names? Then you get the message that The President has been kidnapped by ninjas, and a man with Top Gun glasses asks you if you are a bad enough dude to rescue The President. If that isn't the perfect table setting for ninja butt-kickin' I don't know what is.

Here's the problem with Bad Dudes: it's super choppy. The first thing you notice is that your character doesn't walk normally. He sort of plods along in a non-ninja way. I've stared at it for an hour and I think only one of his legs moves and the other is stationary. Also, the game suffers from serious blink issues. Your enemies are constantly blinking, making them hard to track and harder to attack with precision. Maybe they're just bad ninjas and don't know how to disappear completely. The controls are anything but natural, with some functions taking plenty of practice to master. The gameplay for this game is really just a big mess. All the elements combine to form a game that just isn't that much fun to play.

Not only is the gameplay poor, I have a few questions about Bad Dudes: If an enemy is holding a full-size ninja sword and that same sword still looks full size after the ninja is killed and the sword is left behind, why does it turn into a small dagger when I pick it up? Also, why did you make me stab a dog? He didn't look like a vicious dog. He looked like someone's pet beagle. Oh, and what's with the small ninjas? Are there monkeys, midgets or children in those costumes? If it's monkeys or children, I feel bad. If it's midgets, I don't feel quite as bad.

Bad Dudes is nowhere near as fun as Double Dragon, Kung Fu, or River City Ransom. I recommend each of those games more highly than Bad Dudes. I'm afraid this under-powered game gets no more than...

And if it weren't for the intro it would only get 1 Tanooki.