Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Unbearable Stench of Kurt Wagner

I always knew that Nightcrawler could teleport and that his teleportation left a little cloud behind, but until I started reading the X-men comics I had no idea what the contents of the cloud was. Turns out it's brimstone (aka sulfur). If you've never had the chance to get a good whiff of sulfur you're missing the chance to scare yourself into a life of pious devotion. Hell is supposedly filled with the foul smelling element that burns like an eternal tire fire. What does sulfur smell like? I dunno. It's like an old woman with broccoli farts (yes, I have known an old woman who got gas when she ate her favorite vegetable. Needless to say, even though she was an old family friend, I hated visiting that woman). Sulfur is used in all your finer stink bombs, so that should give you an indication of its particular scent. I am most familiar with it due to my experiences with cheap Mexican firecrackers. I once cracked open 20 sulfur duds and rolled them into one giant firecracker that nearly took my arm off and let off a stench that a city dump would be ashamed to own up to.

So here's the thing: whenever Nightcrawler teleports, there should be a frame or two depicting those who were in the vicinity gagging and perhaps even losing their lunch due to the air-rending odor. Yes, I know I'm not dealing in reality when I'm talking about a guy who can actually teleport himself around, but if he's leaving sulfur behind they should at least acknowledge how bad it smells. It's like rotten eggs that ate too much Indian food. It's like a hobo convention near an open sewer. It's like King Hippo's undies getting sprayed by a skunk.You get the picture. Nightcrawler is The Spleen of The X-Men. I wouldn't want to be down wind of him, but I'd proudly fight beside him.

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