Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Castlequest (NES Game)


This is what Montezuma's Revenge would be if it were mangled to the point of unplayability. I can see where this game started out as a good idea. Here is a transcript of a conversation between two of the programmers who created this game.

First programmer: "We should make a game where you're a little guy in a pimp hat who wanders around a castle collecting treasure and keys and avoiding bad guys"

Second programmer: "So a little like Montezuma's Revenge, right? That was a great game. The NES needs more games like that."

First programmer: "Yes. Only we should just slap the levels together with no thought or foresight and make sure that we put this game on store shelves without play testing it at all. That way it will be an unplayable piece of crap."

Second programmer: "But wouldn't it be better to take this idea and use it to make a good game?"

First programmer: "Yes, but then the consumers would be happy. I want them to rue the day they picked up this cartridge! I want them to see my name in the credits and know that I hate them! I want them to know that they gave their money to me in exchange for hours of frustration! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

fin

And that's how this mess of a game came into being. I'm 97% sure I nailed that scene. Anyway, Castlequest is a collect 'em maze game that has no flow whatsoever. You collect keys and open doors that may or may not take you to places that will get you anywhere near your goal (to rescue a princess? I dunno. I couldn't bear to get that far). You'll wander aimlessly wondering where you are, what you should be doing, and whether or not you should have stayed in that last room you were in that you now can't get back to it. It's pure frustration and only recommended for people who were going to commit suicide anyway. I rate it thusly:

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